Struggling to cope when your tot has a meltdown? Psychologist Dr Martha has expert advice on managing tantrums with empathy and understanding
I’m Dr Martha, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience in the NHS working with families. I am also a mum of two children who’ve had their fair share of tantrums!
What causes a tantrum?
First, it’s important to understand that tantrums are not a result of misbehaviour or a reflection of your parenting skills, regardless of what some people might make you believe. Toddlers and young children experience big feelings they cannot control as their brains are not yet developed enough to regulate emotions on their own. What they need is support from a caring adult to help them manage their emotions.
Tantrums are often a result of children feeling powerless, especially when they have a low tolerance for frustration. When a child urgently needs to eat, rest, tell you something or get attention from you, and their needs are not met fast enough, their emotions can overwhelm them like a loud alarm, demanding that their needs be met immediately.
Can you prevent a tantrum?
While you can head off some tantrums by meeting your toddler’s needs for food, rest, and connection throughout the day, it’s unrealistic to try to prevent all their tantrums.
7 steps to manage a tantrum (with your sanity intact!)
When dealing with a tantrum, you need effective techniques that have been scientifically proven to work. Following this 7-step strategy will help you handle the situation with confidence and reduced stress.
1. Pause - It’s natural for children to have tantrums, and your job isn't to stop them in their tracks. Instead, it's best to let them run their course. Surrender to their emotions and let the storm pass. Accepting that tantrums are part of your little one's emotional development will make you feel better equipped to handle them.
2. Breathe - Focus on regulating your emotions; you don’t have to join your child’s chaos. A ‘good tantrum’ is one in which you, the adult, remain emotionally stable and available to your child, regardless of how long their emotional outburst lasts. Your main responsibility is to convey to your little one that, although it's a scary experience, you are there to keep them safe.
3. Keep talking to a minimum - Words can be stimulating and may escalate the situation. If your child can tolerate it, validate their experience by acknowledging their feelings. For example, you can say things like, "I see that it's broken. It's not what you wanted. "
4. Establish boundaries when necessary - While all emotions are valid, some behaviours may not be acceptable. Clear and consistent boundaries can be set by saying something like, "I understand you are upset with me, but it's not okay to throw toys. To keep us safe, I am going to move these toys out of the way."
5. Notice when the madness turns to sadness - You’ll know when the tantrum has passed when you see your child softening and becoming weepy or sad.
6. Demonstrate your love - Children tend to feel physically exhausted and emotionally shaken after a tantrum, and they need reassurance. On the other hand, parents tend to feel emotionally exhausted and shaken, and need reassurance that they have handled the situation well. It's important to offer your child a warm and loving cuddle and reassuring words confirming your love for them. This is not giving in to your child, but rather affirming that your bond with them remains strong despite the tantrum. Remember that the tantrum itself is not misbehaviour.
7. Reason when they’re calm - It's crucial to wait until your child has calmed down before trying to reason with them. This is because attempting to reason with them before they are ready could cause their emotions to escalate again. It's important to wait until their brain is ready to handle additional stimulation. This could take a few minutes, an hour, or even a day, depending on the intensity of their emotional experience. When you're ready to talk, set the scene in a way that will encourage your child to stay calm and engaged. You could say something like, "You're not in trouble. It's important to me that you tell me what you want, but throwing toys is not okay."
Empower your child through emotional support
Remember that your little one is more than just their behaviour and that tantrums are beyond their control. When your child is experiencing big emotions, it's crucial to make them feel heard and cared for unconditionally. This helps them reconnect with their inner sense of self-worth and strengthens the trust they have in your relationship. It sends the message that even when their behaviour is out of control, you recognise their inherent goodness.
About Dr Martha
Dr Martha Deiros Collado is a clinical psychologist trained in family therapy with over 20 years of experience. She is the author of The Sunday Times bestselling book How to Be the Grown Up. You can find Dr Martha on her Instagram (@dr.martha.psychologist) and website www.drmarthapsychologist.com.
